A Valuable Conversation on Intimacy with Theo Von

I was introduced to Andrew Huberman awhile ago: he’s a popular Stanford professor & neuroscientist, with an uncanny knack for tackling BIG medical subjects, bringing all kinds of scientific expertise & studies to bear on them, & then drawing conclusions that are often helpful for listeners.  Theo Von I’d literally never heard of ~ until the YouTube algorithm threw some of his video clips my way.  The video I’ll link below shows why I was so impressed with this guy (who I later learned is a comedian): he shares deeply personal insights from his own life to start a valuable conversation on intimacy with Huberman ~ a conversation that I think is valuable for many to listen to. 

Especially if you’re a young man (or woman) trying to navigate the perils of modern dating, with so much of it happening online….vs. in real life (IRL).

This video discusses everything from porn addiction, to why alcohol can be problematic when it comes to sex, & how the younger generations are often so terrified of being humiliated (by something embarassing being posted online) that it can prevent them from actually LIVING & doing things, for fear that they may look stupid. 

 

Things like dancing, going on dates, having sex, & you know ~ real life shit.

Video with Theo Von + Andrew Huberman

I found this conversation to be a fascinating look inside the male psyche: both from the 40-year old male perspective (both Theo & Huberman are in their 40’s) ~ but also their thoughts & reflections on their younger, 20-year old selves.

 

Key Take-Aways from Their Conversation

• A lot of young men these days are scared that anything they do (on a date with a woman, for instance), whether it’s positive or negative, will become public, i.e. posted online/on social media. 

My Thoughts on This as a Woman in Her 40’s:  While I’ve definitely shared funny or bad dating experiences with my close female friends ~ from my perspective (& I think from the generation of women I grew up with) I would NEVER post shit like this online.  I post so little as it is, that to take my time to shame someone publicly is just something that’s never crossed my mind.  It’s bad energy, just period.  And it makes me incredibly sad that the younger generation is so quick to post things online ~ that it then makes them afraid to do new things/try new things/meet new people.

• Because of such fears, young men are often driven deeper towards either a porn addiction or substance abuse. 
• When you’re young (in junior high/high school/college), a girl’s biggest fear is often getting “slut”-shamed (I personally hate that word); while young mens’ biggest fear is often being dork or loser-shamed (or possibly shamed regarding a certain part of their anatomy not being “enough”). 
• As we get older, a woman’s greatest fear is experiencing violence from a man; while a man’s greatest fear is being LAUGHED at by a woman.  I find this absolutely fascinating, & very true. 
• Huberman says that young men often approach him & tell him that they’re afraid if they make one little mistake on a date, or say something “dumb,” it will somehow be used against them or broadcast online. 
• The most important thing when it comes to intimacy, says Huberman, is for both people in the relationship to feel that what happens between them in private moments STAYS between them. 
• About half-way through the conversation, Theo shares that in his 20’s, he was so nervous around women that erectile dysfunction became common for him.  His vulnerability in sharing this is commendable.  He says that sexual situations then became a nightmare, because it created this constant battle between his mind & body.  It became so bad, at times, that he was reluctant to even talk to women ~ because even if he wanted to have sex with them: the thoughts in the back of his mind told him that he probably wouldn’t be able to. 

My Thoughts:  I find it SO valuable that Theo shared this.  And I think it illuminates a bigger problem that is going on in society right now: with the isolation that happened during COVID, which drove young people more towards porn & their screens; the fear of being humiliated online that prevents young people from getting out & making mistakes, & experimenting (one of the most important things to do when you’re young); the prevalence of social media, particularly for the younger generations ~ and all the problems it brings: FOMO (fear of missing out), feeling excluded when you’re not invited to certain events all your friends might be at, etc. 

• Towards the end of the video, Huberman says that if he could put an all-points bulletin out to young men: he would tell them to SLOW DOWN.  Slow everything down.  He explains that the erectile response actually comes from a relaxation response ~ so if you aren’t relaxed, it will be difficult to achieve an erection.  Lot of exhales, lots of deep breathing….slow the whole thing down, so that you are able to drop into your body & actually be present. 
• Huberman then makes the observation that what makes a great female lover, is a female who knows how to relax & emjoy herself.  As a woman myself: this is SO true.  Which is why having sex in your 20’s is rarely good: because it’s very hard to relax & settle into your body at that age!  It’s possible….but not the norm.
• And to get good at anything: you need PRACTICE!  You need to get comfortable in sexual situations….& that really only comes with experience.

A Valuable Conversation on Intimacy

I umderstand that this post is a wild departure from my traditional travel-related fare, but I thought that it was an important conversation to highlight & share.  I had much more empathy for young men (& women) after watching the video, & it gave me more insight into what young people are going through these days.  And it gave me some kind of answer as to why so many young men are turning to porn; it actually made sense, as Theo described it.

My friends & I have often said that there’s NO WAY we would want to grow up in the age of social media; I can’t even imagine it.  Growing up without phones was a gift.  I hope at some point that there is a backlash against social media, particularly for what it is doing to our youth.  If you find that it doesn’t bring you joy, or is harming your mental health: take a step back from it.  Place limits on it.  Set down a boundary: with yourself, and with your device. 

You will be glad that you did.

 

xoxo Noelia

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